I sat pondering why I felt so... average. Where had my joy gone? Where was the unabounding, all consuming joy that permeated every aspect, ever breath, every thought of life? I spoke with a friend. They asked what had happened? Who had done it? Why was I so down? I explained to them, it was no one. Nothing. It was all inside. I didn't care anymore, there was no motivation. I had lost my fire. And then it hit me. I needed my Jesus back. He was the only reason for doing anything. And so I told my friend that I knew what was wrong. I needed my Jesus as my focus. When that thought came the sweetest thing happened. I heard a song in my head- one of my favorite worship songs. The verse I remembered is as follows.
And I need you Jesus to come to my rescue.
Where else can I go?
There's no other name by
which I am saved.
You capture me with grace,
I will follow You.
I felt the tears come immediately to my eyes. What a sweet thing I had, and yet I had fallen away from, even if not completely. I was looking at the dirt and the stones around the cross-the ordinary things- but I was no longer seeing the cross. And him. And what he'd done for me, so that I could have fire, so that I could have joy, so that I could have peace.
I was focused on something that was, in itself, not all satisfying. Whether we focus on school, careers, marriage, reading, music, etc. as our ultimate goal, our end in life, we will always find discontentment and satisfaction. Nothing is an end in itself but God. If you focus on school, you'll get school; if you focus on reading, you'll be read; if you focus on music, you'll get music. That's how it is. When you achieve it, that's it. Life is empty. It doesn't go beyond that. But when we focus on God, we focus on someone that is all powerful, all knowing, all loving, and never ending. There is no end. We never reach a point of achievement in which we throw our hands up and say "What now?". And the pursuit of God gives so much more than the pursuit of anything else. If marriage is your chief end, you'll get marriage. But if God is your chief end, you get eternal life and oftentimes a marriage as well. A marriage cannot be all satisfying, but God more than satisfies.
We must choose to drop our focus on the things of life and the things of this world and focus on the only thing that remains stable and true. This life is shallow, deceitful, and short. If we sow the seeds of our life there, we shall reap them there. We need to look ahead and determine now what end we choose for ourselfs. For me, the only true end in itself is Jesus Christ.
Philipians 1:21 sums it up so well stating "For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain."